I remember going into the emergency room feeling a real amount of peace and calm. Deep inside I knew something was wrong with my pregnancy. Still, my husband and I were believing for the best, while trying to prepare for the worst (November 1, 2009).
I was about 3 months pregnant, I remember so vividly how the doctor delayed in telling me what he saw inside my womb. It was almost as if he didn't want to say it. But I knew by then that we had lost our little one.
I remember trying to prepare myself for losing my baby, and as much as I wanted to prepare myself for that feeling, I still felt the shock. The difficulty is not related to how long you carried that life inside you. I think its summed up into overwhelming thoughts of what could have been. Who would that little person grow up to be? What would it have been like to be there mommy?
I am sure if I did not already have my Violeta, losing my baby would have been all the more difficult. I know so many women who have lost one after the other, so I didn't allow myself to to feel too much at the moment. Knowing that at least I was going home to my little flower, Violeta did make things less painful.
Still the reality of not having that life inside of me anymore was devastating. It was like my whole world was shaken and turned upside down, and no way to fix it. I knew that God was sovereign, but not this way.
I wont pretend to understand how all women feel after losing their baby or babies. Neither can I give the solution to get over the loss. I'm just telling my story. All I can say is that after going over things a million times, after mourning, after regretting, and thinking of all that I should have or should have not done to prevent this, I have found this strength to go on.
God, in His redemptive love, has given me a New Life. It is the life I had stopped living, dreams I had allowed to dwindle and passions that stopped burning. Thinking of my unborn baby I saw in myself parts that were dead as well. I only wanted those parts to live again, in order to make that life I lost count. As twisted as that might sound, its my sanity. I am glad to be alive again.
thanks for reading!
